09 December 2006

Inventor of the Year

So.... I live in this funky little basement apartment. Part of the "charm" of older places apparently is the "personality" that the plumbing exhibits. My plumbing does not just have a personality disorder, it is my sworn mortal enemy.

So, about every 4 weeks, the shower drain decides to go on strike. A little liquid plumber, and all is well. The toilet has a very sophisticated palate, apparently, because depending on what I put in it.... it refuses to let it go down. Reminds me of an 18 month old child being fed squash. Charming. The bathroom sink is actually very well behaved. In my 10 months here, it's drain has gone on haitus only one time. Gosh, I love that sink.

This brings me to the kitchen sink. I have yet to decipher it's schedule of protests, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with the alignment of Mars with one of the stars near the center of Orion. Either that or it is God's way of punnishing me. At any rate... it's hopelessly clogged.

I've gone through a few gallons of liquid plumber, drano, and other related products. I've plunged it for longer than I'd like to admit. NOTHING. After a final session of liquid plumber and plunger love, to no avail, I decided to vist Wal Mart in search for something better. It dawned on me what I was dealing with. Wussy drain openers. Not until I have been faced with unclogging the Bowels of Satan, did I realize what I've been reading on the packaging of these pansy products:

"Safe on all pipes!"
"Safe on septic systems!"
"Safe on all sink surfaces!"
"Safe in most beverages!"
"Great on Chicken or Fish!"
"Whitens teeth!"
"For ages 3 - 6 yrs"
"Wouldn't hurt a fly!"

NO! I need something better! I need a pint of nuke. Liquid hate. I need the most dangerous chemicals known to man. I'm trying to destroy something, not be "safe". I need the very blood of beelzebub in a bottle. I want something so dangerous, so caustic, that if I even look at the bottle too long, I'll go blind. I want something that will make hellish screaming sounds as it oozes it's way into the drain, toward my arch enemy. I want to be ID'ed at the register to buy this stuff... maybe even a quick background check. I want something so God-awful, that environmentalists will stage protests in the front yard in an attempt to keep me from using it.

If I ever get this drain fixed, I'm going to invent and market this stuff. And nowhere on the bottle will you find the word "safe".

Oh, and stay tuned for more on my double plunger technique... wish me luck!

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