09 July 2007

The Holy Vacation

Okay. I think I really have, truly, got it figured out now.
Life can be crazy, but I think I'm finally understanding.


I think this is it.

Ever have those times when you ask God for help with something, and ... it seems as it has fallen on deaf ears?

Nietzsche says "God is Dead".

I disagree. I absolutely believe God is around somewhere... but...

GOD is....



Here's how I figure... We all know that God is a big fan of the number 7. Every 7 days, He rests. Well, it turns out, he also rests 1/7th of the year, too... on the Holy Vacation! Makes sense, right? And furthermore, I think I've nailed down when the Sacred Surfing takes place... First of all, God LOVES a great Summer Equinox party! (I mean, why not? He created the summer equinox, which happens in June...) You see, God really knows how to party. This equinox party is truly celestial in scale. The party / Holy Vacation extends through most of June and the better part of July... which, if you do the math, works out to the said 1/7th of the year spent in "resting".
(The word on the street is that the Holy Vacation took place in the Bahamas this year)

SEE??!!! I told you I was on to something. It gets better.

How do I know this?
Well, you see, last June, I had major problems in pretty much every area of my life. I was at an all time low, and I needed help, desperately. I tried to get some help by visiting one of His local branches... just like the snooty teller at my bank, the representatives there were none too anxious to assist. So on top of my original dilemmas, I had a bone to pick with him about some of his "staff".

I made many, many calls to His personal office last June. I kept leaving messages on His voicemail. In times past, that has worked out okay... within a reasonable amount of time, God, or one of his interns would respond to my request.

But last June... nada. No answer. No return calls. ...[chirping crickets].... [the dry, dusty wind blowing].... That was all I coud hear. Although, I did get a few "courtesy letters" from God's office several months ago.. but only enough to get my hopes up.

SO.... this June rolls around, all hell starts breaking loose in my life again...and.... *poof*... not only is God not answering again, but, it looks like this year's intern is even worse than last year's. Things have really gone to hell around here! I mean, you would think that, considering how high-and-dry He and His staff left me last year... one might think that, being all powerful, (and probably all-considerate and all thoughtful, too) that he would have given that silly new intern some directions to really, really take care of me this year while he's out on vacation. You know - just to make up for all the trouble last June... just for the sake of customer satisfaction... would that have been too much to ask? Even my cell phone company did that for me once.

I'm guessing, by the shape of things... that this intern tried to do a "work from home" kind of thing... I can see it now. A week before the Holy Vacation is scheduled to start, Saint Intern calls in... "So, God, I've got this idea that will save us all a lot of time and gas.. I'll just work from home while you are out, how about that? I've got a great office here, I'm all set up.... hey, I even bought A NEW FAX machine JUST for this! So whaddaya think??" I'm guessing that phone call was made from the beach in Tahiti. I'll bet it was a scene JUST LIKE you would see on the Corona beer commercials, where the guy throws his cell phone into the ocean, and kicks back a cold one...

Nice intern, God.

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