01 December 2010

lonely in SLC

I'm ready to admit something. This is hard for me to say...

I am lonely.

In the past, I equated loneliness with being desperate. I thought that only weird, socially inept, romantically unworthy people drifted into the cold weird space called 'lonely'. That certainly can't be me. When I go out, people know my name, even when I don't know theirs. People buy me drinks, they hug me, they high five me as they walk past. I can walk up to the hottest clubs in town, skip the VIP line, and walk in any time, never paying a cover. I get friend requests on Facebook from hot girls I've never even met. I regularly turn down invites to go out because I already have a previous engagement. I have 2 awesome daughters, great parents, and several friends that I'm very close to who will pick up any time I call. I've got a group of awesome guys, 'The boys', that I go out with and have raucous good times with. I've got great band mates that I really enjoy spending time with, I have extended family close by that I love to hang out with. I even have beautiful, intelligent women in my life that I could date on a serious basis if I would just say "yes".

Let's be honest. I have a really good life.

...and yet, I feel a void in my life. I've been blessed to have lots of great people in my life... and yet, none of us share the same orbit. We merely orbit near each other. I've realized that it's okay to feel lonely. I crave a partner in orbit.

I see people like Jon and Hillary, Monica and Allen, Tom and Carey... I watch them carry on life together, sharing awesome times with each other, creating memories.

Creating memories.... that thought carries a lot of weight in my soul right now.
If I died tomorrow, nobody would know anything of the greatness that my life has been so far. Many people know small parts of me. A few know a lot, but nobody knows me entirely. As they say, God is in the details, and those details are only known by me right now. I crave to share the glorious little bits of life with someone.

The aforementioned Monica is the drummer in the punk band I play with, The Toros. She and her boyfriend Allen have the most adorable relationship. We all stand by and admire what a fun, sweet, well suited couple they are. Monica and Allen are uber-nerds (she's a star trek fan, jew from texas, meteorologist, rock drummer), and Allen is a writer. If you know me at all, you know that I, too, am certainly not a one-size-fits-all kind of guy. She mentioned that they met on a dating site called Okcupid.com , and that the site used a very good matching algorithm. A few weeks ago, I decided to give it a shot, and posted a profile.

Initially, I was very impressed with the selection of local women on the site. One of the features of the site is a series of questions you can answer that create a profile of you on matters of ethics, religion, sex, politics, family, recreation, etc. I answered a few hundred of them, wanting to give this thing a fair shot.

Among several interesting prospects, I met a girl we will call Jane. According to OKcupid, we are a 97% match (for what that's worth). She looked like a cute girl in her profile pics, we have loads of things in common, and seemed to have good banter over text. On paper, she is AWESOME. We went out recently; she was pretty much what I expected - an adorable girl with a great head and heart. I had a great time with her. Just one problem... in the passion department, I wasn't feeling it.

Otherwise, I have found many absolutely awesome, fascinating, compelling women on there, and none of them live in UT. San Fransisco , New York, and D.C. seem to be the hotspots for the women I like.

I am feeling more and more like an oddball here in SLC, even with a decent number of non-religious folk in the city. I fully recognize that I'm an oddball, but it just seems that.... fuck, I don't know. It just seems like there aren't many people who are going about life the way I am. I find this very disappointing, to be honest. This life is an amazing path, and.... dammit! I just want to share it with someone who would appreciate it! Somehow, sharing always makes great things grand. I want to make memories with someone amazing, is that so much to ask?

I'm starting to feel like 98.76% of the single adult population out there is just really, horribly fucking bad news, totally unfit for any kind of relationship that is worth putting your heart into.

It's so weird. Growing up as a naive little mormon boy in Logan, SLC was THE BIG CITY.... seemed full of infinite possibilities. So many big buildings filled with different, interesting people.

I'm now realizing that those buildings are filled mostly with people who are busting ass to keep up with the Joneses. They leave those big buildings, rush home to watch TV, and get visually force fed more ideas of how they should dress, act, think, talk, spend, and love. They don't think of it as being force fed though. They think they are being entertained.

I'm losing my taste for SLC every passing week.

It's starting to feel like a tiny little town run by a good 'ol boys club. Though there may be a breadth of diversity, there is no real depth. Yes, there are 42 black people that live here. 17 muslims, 98 hipsters, 117 metal heads, 68 outed homosexuals, 45 catholics, 32 athiests, 134,876 closeted LDS homosexuals (this is the only pocket of diversity with any depth), 17 jews....

The rest are just wonder bread SUV driving whiteys of two varieties: those that are currently Mormon and secretly wish they weren't, and those who aren't Mormon anymore and can't stop stewing over it.

Where have the beautiful, curious, fascinating human beings gone?

SF, DC, and NY, I wish you weren't so far away from the place my 2 daughters call home.

1 comment:

  1. You took the words right out of my mouth Paul. I swear to God, I was talking to one of my only best friends yesterday that I feel I can actually "relate" to (because I honestly feel like a complete oddball as well, and that I can relate to maybe 1% of the population here in SLC,) and I told her how much fun I had in Cali last week. She asked why... I said, "Because I'm lonely here." She asked why... "Because I feel i don't fit in here. I can't relate to anyone. I feel in order to "relate" to someone I must morph myself during my time with them into someone I'm not."

    I get you. Paul. I get this blog. More than I can even put into words... And you wrote it beautifully. I too don't feel my place is SLC anymore. I am drawn to certain places, that aren't here. And I can't even say I have the life you have here. For the most part, my life... is boring. lol I complain about it, but the thought of doing something about it (which in SLC consists of going to a club, church, or my couch) sounds worse than complaining about it. So i bitch.

    I am glad to know I'm not alone in many of the ways I feel... and you can now know as well, you're not alone! Even though we are lonely...? lol. Such is life. :) Much love my cousin.

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